Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Otters drive ottermobiles.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.