Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
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If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
She: I like Cats
He:
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.