told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.