Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
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my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family