told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
when you order from DoorDastardly
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
No way!