told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
You Might Also Like
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
They grow up so quick
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
*offers Batman cough drops*
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
they really wanted me dead for this
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.