told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.