Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Need WebMD

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements