Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
TODAY
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
