Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
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Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro