Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick