Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.