Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins