Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.