Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.