Told my teen who has a science project due in a month to work on it a little bit each day instead of waiting until a few days before it’s due to start it.
Him: Is that what you did when you were a kid?
Me: This isn’t about me.
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I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.