Told my teen who has a science project due in a month to work on it a little bit each day instead of waiting until a few days before it’s due to start it.
Him: Is that what you did when you were a kid?
Me: This isn’t about me.
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Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Artwork by Herta Burbe
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.