told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone