told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I don’t get marriage
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
pizza
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?