Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

For those that worship cheese..

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails