Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

I’m not wrong

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Room with a view.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.