Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?