Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?