Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.

“Come on in for a Gouda time!”

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.