Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time