told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Who.
Did.
This?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
🤣🤣💀
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Well well well…
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”