told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
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Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Storm Tropical Storm
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.