told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
anyone else like Italian cereal
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.