Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

True.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?