Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Is this anything
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.