Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

that colleague who touches your screen

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)