Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
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Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird