Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.