Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

how it started vs how it ended

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down