Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now