told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me