Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.