Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
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broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.