Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
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One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
i just found this in my phone
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.