Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?