Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
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DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears