Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”