Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

There’s only one good girl here!

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.