Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Support your local cemetery
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.