Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
