Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”