Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The dark side of Canada
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Who chose this font
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
i just found this in my phone
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.