Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old