Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?