I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me too 😆
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????