Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”