Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
never stops being funny
The best shot in the history of golf
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order