Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.