“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
