“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
