“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Seems a bit forward
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.