Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
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(Animal spelling bee)
Owl: Your word is Mississippi
Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss
Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…
I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*
is this because i’m from new joisey?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.