@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

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@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

@rage_chaos

I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…

@Dr_awfulpants

I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*

@G_Faylor

[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

@TheBeerGuy73

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@ClichedOut

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

@simoncholland

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.