Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
You Might Also Like
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email