Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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Grandpa
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.