Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*