Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat