Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
The “baby” on the left….
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body