Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.