Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My kitchen overserved me.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”