tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
honestly, i need both:
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??