Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Punning Dead.

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

“Sheer Arrogance”

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

😎 🍻

This poor dog

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏