Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione