Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
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I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal