Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

This squirrel eats better than I do

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?